13 Tips For Consciously Parenting Teens
Photo: Anna Shvets
Written by: Judith Davis
LOVE LANGUAGE ASSESSMENT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE
Just like we have personal preferences on how we give and receive love in our relationships, so do our children. I took the “Love Language” Assessment for teens with my teenagers, ages 14 and 16 (boy/girl) to help me better understand their love languages. This gave great insight on how they give and receive in relationships. We debriefed with each of them individually and then we debriefed as a family. I even took an extra step by printing the individual profiles and asked them to leave theirs at their desk (this allowed them to “internalize it” and remind the rest of the family about their preferred way of interacting with them/others. THIS HAS PROVEN TO BE A LIFE SAVER AND A “RE-SETTER” FOR “OFF” DAYS IN TERMS OF OUR ENERGY/VIBE BALANCE AT HOME.
BE FLEXIBLE
Flexibility is the name of the game. Nobody is going to die because of how a task is completed or when it gets completed. Give them room to do things their way.
AUTHENTICITY
Allow and make room for authenticity and individuality. None of us will be given the exact same child twice. They are usually polar-opposites and their personalities rarely complement each other during teens/adolescence. It is quite ok, and this approach will help them appreciate each other and become each other's best friend later in life.
GIVE THEM SPACE TO BE THEIR OWN PERSON
Give them space to just be themselves; whatever that looks like for them as little humans. For example: my 16 year old has been asking to color her hair since she was 13/14 years old because her friends did it. I made a deal with her to give me something in return - grades and some other things at home. She did for the most part and for her 16th birthday, I allowed her to get her hair colored at a professional hair salon with all bells and whistles.
WAIT - AS IN "WHY AM I TALKING?
Let them “spill their guts” without responding (I have to be conscious of and work on my facial expressions). Talking less helps you become a better listener because your brain does not have to work harder, trying to come up with a comeback. Beware of our Habesha “gesticulations.” If you’re Habesha, you understand.
SET EXPECTATIONS
Instead of making up stuff, let them know what you can and cannot do and what they are allowed/not allowed to do. I remember a time my kids witnessed a friend’s mother blatantly “lie” every time a conversation came up about a subject. They knew not to call her out, but were very candid about it once we got home. It would have been sufficient for this mom to just say, “Not at this time,” but she probably could not say that due to lack of set expectations with her kids.
This will evade frustrations and unnecessary resentment.
CHORES
Once roles and responsibilities are transparent and expectations are set, getting them to do their chores will be a breeze (for the most part). Give them their “chores list” (I have templates for these) with their names, the date, a bulleted lists of things they need to get done, start date (to serve as a suggested guideline – it is at their discretion) and completion date (they know by when you expect this task to be done). However they plan on getting there should be discretionary on their end, giving them autonomy.
SAY "I AM SORRY" - THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO SAY
Admit to mistakes and apologize. Say "I am sorry!" without justifying the fault.
A BURGER OR BURRITO ISN'T GOING TO CANCEL OUR CULINARY HERITAGE
Relax as it relates to how/what/when they eat. In our home, we share one meal a day. The other times, I learned to relax and let them eat whatever I have cooked and stored in the fridge. I meal prep and store items in containers that are easy to access and decipher the content. That way, they have the flexibility to put it together how they please. It was a smile-worthy moment to see them convert the Tibs/Kulwa to a steak 'n cheese, burrito or taco salad. It is ok. Our culture is not going to get watered down or eradicated because of this - if anything, they are going to continue to love it without the stereotypical chastising they would have otherwise gotten.
COMPROMISE
Accept an 80% solution and in peace and harmony vs. 100% and in distress. Side note: there is no such thing as a 100% solution or compromise. Learn to be flexible here.
OUR SONS - THEY, TOO NEED MENTAL/EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT AND WELLBEING
This one is a Biggie! Normalize socio-emotional existence and balance for your boys (no matter the age). We tend to love up on them until they start attending school, only to withdraw all that socio-emotional support at once. This is a huge issue and throws them into the lion's den as it relates their preparedness to live, thrive and deal with the world of "demographically in-limbo" they are being exposed to.
Often, dads are away or working and somewhat disconnected with all things child rearing, disciplining, and education (this is not supposed to be a blanket statement and instead just helping to paint the picture of the subject matter I consciously tackle when interacting with our sons). Moms must be okay with affording and extending the same care, nurturing and support to our boys/future men as we do for our girls. This will equip them with the confidence they need to shoulder manhood and its challenges.
SAFE ZONE CONVERSATIONS
Allow for regular "safe zone" conversations. This is an environment that allows them to take off their "parent filters" and say, discuss, question whatever they feel comfortable with, WITHOUT parents interjecting, correcting and chastising. Side note: cut it out with the "Koshasha", "Sidi", "Ba'alege" narrative. You say it often enough, they will be it eventually. Words matter!
It is a mind-blowing process and allows for autonomy and healthy processing mechanisms. They will discuss otherwise "taboo" for our culture subjects, such as Sex, Drugs (this one is truly mind-blowing), Alcohol, Tattoos, Piercings, their thoughts on our culture and Habesha People we allow to be in our little people's space (this one is scary and you must commit to listen and understand to what they are saying and make respective adjustments), career choices, etc.
SCREEN-FREE TIME/QUALITY FAMILY TIME
We share one meal a day as a family and one weekend night weekly where games are played, a family outing (pre-COVID) and an annual family vacation week. These things are sacred and set in stone; and unless there is a really good reason to “tweak” them, they supersede everything else.
About the author
Judith Davis is a Certified Master Life Coach (John Maxwell DISC Trainer Certified), Certified Strategic Leadership Coach and Facilitator. She also occasionally wears her Translator hat to share the wealth of her Eritrean-German-American background in areas of Immigration, Health Care and Legal sectors.
Judith moved to the states in 2002 and currently resides in the DMV area with her teenagers.
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